Perspective. What is Really Behind the Face?

(This may not be one of my better writings, but it is still necessary. Necessary for me to get it out there and clear the space in my brain, and probably also partly a healing need for me. Hopefully, there is still some useful information here, and possibly even some thoughts for reflection in your own heart. Thanks for reading! Jenna)

Here in the beginnings of 2018, I am doing what countless others are probably doing and taking inventory of the last year, and looking at the new year with perspective. A new perspective. There seems to be many different and unexpected things on the horizon for me and my family, however, the one that seems to stand out is in my heart for others and how I see them. My perspective.

When I watch others as I go about my day, I see people who are impatient and many times rude or indifferent. I see angry faces, sadness and sometimes a nothingness. What I experience is seeing people who seemingly are busy or in a hurry and they don’t seem to care about me or others passing by. Many times I do see laughter and joy, families and friends, co-workers deep in thought or discussion, even seriousness or arguments as people go about their daily tasks. What I forget is what is behind all of that. What stirs us to laughter or solemness, anger or sadness, our slowness of pace or our light speed reactions? What causes us to stare blankly at the world as we go in and out of our day and its agenda?

It is so simple to get caught up in my personal life as if mine were the only one that mattered or the only one that existed. Many times I hurry and scurry often forgetting to take a look around to see the people I come into contact with. The barista, the grocery store clerk, the other people walking in and out of the bank or the school as I pass by. Often I may hold a door for someone, or walk through a door that someone is holding for me. I usually look at them and say, “thank you,” maybe just a nod of the head to acknowledge. Often I offer a smile with or without a given smile in return.

There are always those times that I ask, “How are you today?” “Good, good,” they respond. Since the death of my newborn son, Toby, I have been painfully reminded that so many people are not really answering, or better yet, they are lying to cover up their life. Their pain. Their struggle. Their difficulties. It has been brought to my attention to look into their eyes, to make visual contact with them. This means more than a quick glance, and in so doing it is possible to see more. It doesn’t mean that all of a sudden I know what is going on in their personal life, but because of the Holy Spirit being active in my life, when I take the time, and in the moment, I am asking God to show me more…and He shows me.

The day after Toby died, my son and daughter-in-law were going to be traveling back to their home. We had time to take it a little slower paced in the morning, and we had purposed to go out to lunch as a family to first of all, enjoy the time together and second, because cooking a meal was not an option for me that day.

I remember we tried to smile and talk and make the best of the time we had left together before their flight. I also remember the waitress greeting us at the table with a smile and asking us how we were all doing that day? With small quick glances at one another, we just said the obligatory, “fine, good” and proceeded to order our food. I don’t recall if I truly made any eye contact with her or not. I don’t think that in that moment I cared about being cordial. However, I distinctly remember thinking, “She really doesn’t want to know how I am doing today,” which was numb. Very numb. Just under 24 hours prior, I was in my son’s hospital room, watching a team of doctors and medical personnel doing chest compressions on, and breathing for, my seven day old son until there was nothing more they could do.

After all that, there is still so much more that has to be dealt with and that you experience. It is in these aftershock moments that I came across the thing that wins the follow up “Sucky Experience Award.” The day was Sunday, December 3, 2017. This experience is forever etched into my brain, my emotions and my memories. Bear with the details, but it fits…I promise.

As with any death, my husband and I had to decide what to do with our son’s body, meaning were we going to bury his body, or have it cremated. Not an easy decision for sure. We decided that cremation was the best choice for us. We met with our funeral director one evening to go over the details, how the process works, the timetable we would be dealing with given our decision and when we would be having the memorial service for him.

Since we were having his body cremated, our funeral director let us know that we did not have to have him cremated in a casket. (Colorado law says that you do have to have the body in a container, but it doesn’t have to be a fancy expensive piece if you don’t want that.) So as Toby’s mama, of course, my next question was, “What do you put his body in then?” Sparing you too much of my heartbroken and guttural response to this, we were told that they use a cardboard box similar to a packing box. I saw an example of this type of box behind her on a shelf. Nope. No way. Not my baby. Not my little boy.

The mailer box.

Although his life was gone from his body, I still am his mama and I still wanted that to be expressed in the final decisions we were making. I asked if we could provide our own box for him, for his body at least. The answer was “yes” and we were given the date by which we had to have this box returned to the funeral home. I personally couldn’t stand the thought of knowingly putting my son’s body in something impersonal. Whatever it was that Toby’s body would be cremated in had to have his mama’s touch on it and sealed with the love of me, his daddy and his big sister.

That brings us to that particular grey and cold Sunday, December 3rd. Rob and I had a little time to go out together on a hunt for what would be that cremation box for our son. There are a couple specific rules to the process we had to follow, but otherwise, we were looking for a box of decent size where his body could be laid and we could put a few personal items in there as well.

We decided to go to a Michaels craft store in search of a color filled and decorative box. It was in the height of the Christmas holiday season and the store was extremely busy. It was a super coupon day too so people were shopping with great fervor getting the best deals and filling their carts and their arms with loads of decorations, gifts and more. What people didn’t know was why we were there in the shop and what it was we were looking for. It ended up that we found a box that seemed just right for us, in fact we found two boxes, one that would be for Toby’s cremation, and the other would be for us to keep in remembrance of him. They happened to be Christmas boxes, and we happened to get a great sale plus a coupon. But none of that really mattered. We would have rather not been buying a box for this purpose anyway.

After we picked out our boxes we walked through the store, through the crowds and made our way to the front of the store to get in the insanely long line. I remember standing in line trying not to cry. I looked around at all of the busyness and looked at Rob to help me keep it together. No one said, “How are you doing?” No one asked if we found what we were looking for. No one seemed to even notice we were there. And definitely no one knew why we were carrying these lovely Christmas boxes or what we had planned for using them. We were just mixed in as part of that coupon crowd hurrying and scurrying about getting our holiday in order.

Since then, I have somewhat “tested” out my theory by being more honest in my response when someone asks me, “How are you doing today?” I pause, reflect for a moment, and maybe I just say, “ok,” or “I’m doing alright,” or “I’m pretty good today.” (I’m not advocating for you to dump on the next person who inquires of you. Lol. They may never ask anyone again!!) However, I am watching to see if people respond differently because I’m not just giving the pat answer. Most of the time they do not. It’s just part of the conversation. It’s not really a direct ask.

I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to ignore people, and I don’t want to miss an opportunity to truly hear from someone something in their life that they would otherwise not share. I want to be paying attention when I say, “How are you today?” I don’t want to miss what their eyes, their body language, or their heart is telling me.

So as this new year begins, I am challenging myself to be more in tune with others, and to be more in tune with the Holy Spirit as He leads me through my day. I challenge you to do the same. Don’t be the guy who is so busy in your own world that you don’t notice the people around you. Seriously, we have had people ask how we are doing, and then not waiting for (or listening to) the response, and then getting wrapped up more with buying movie tickets, or dealing with another daily life activity. A couple of these folks probably don’t even know that our son has just died because they were consumed with themselves. For me, this is missing out. It’s missing out on opportunities to bless and pray for others. It’s missing out on telling others that I care about them. And it’s missing out on areas for me to grow.