In the wake and the aftermath of extreme tragedy, I was asked a wonderful question by someone I love.  The question was, “What has been the most helpful thing (or things), that people have done for you?”  His reason for asking was genuine and for me, in a time past, I would have given a different type of answer.  As an outsider to a personal or family disaster, people truly do want to help.  I have always wanted to help.  The problem is that many times I just plain didn’t know how.  I didn’t know if I could call.  I didn’t know if I could go visit.  I didn’t always know what in the world to do.

Our son was born on November 20th, ten weeks ahead of schedule. That in and of itself is quite the overload.  The circumstances meant that I was going to be staying with our baby an hour north of where we lived.  We were so blessed how friends and family jumped in right away with ways to help us.  Meals became one of the very first things initiated.  We knew that would be important as I was going to be out of the house for extended periods of time, and being the main food shopper and meal cooker, this was going to be greatly impacted.

Seven days later, our sweet boy, Toby, went home to be with the Lord and our world was super rocked to the core.  We went home that next Monday night without a baby, family in town, and when we arrived, there was an already prepared and cooked meal waiting for us when we walked in.  I don’t think any of us realized how hungry we were until we actually started to eat.  Definitely a huge blessing!

During this whole process, we had many people ask us how they could help.  After Toby was gone, even more people stepped up, and stepped out.

So back to the question.  What has been the most helpful thing?

I don’t think I could have answered that very well in the beginning stages of this.  I really didn’t know what I needed, nor was I in a place to be able to think about what those needs might be.  We were mourning and numb, and at the same time, had to make huge decisions and plan for what we wanted to do with our son’s body.  We needed to arrange a memorial service, more family was coming to town, more meals, laundry, plus all of the routine daily activities that don’t stop.  I was asked by so many, “How can I help?”

The best answer I can give to you now is if it’s on your heart or in your mind just do it, whatever it is.  All of it is helpful.  My job became being able to say “yes” to those offering since I didn’t feel like I could answer their question when asked, nor could I say what it was that I needed help with.

Mt suggestion is don’t wait for your friend or family member to come up with the ideas.  If you feel like making a meal would be helpful, then give a call, or send a text to say you’d like to make a meal and would Tuesday or Friday be a better day to bring it over.  Seriously, I had a friend text me and just say that she and another gal were going to come over on a specific day to clean my house and to decorate for Christmas.  It wasn’t a question other than to confirm the time and if that day was ok.  Also, your way of helping may be in the form of a gift or doing something special, like taking them to coffee, or out for some kind of an activity.  Again, if it’s on your heart, there is a reason for it.  Don’t ignore the prompting.

Here are some of the many ways we have been personally helped and blessed by others during this time of losing our son.  Obviously, this is not a complete list, and different circumstances may lend themselves towards different types of helps. These are just ideas that have been helpful to us.

• Meals were made for us by many.  Mealtrain.com was a great tool for this process.
• I had people come clean my house a couple times, one of them I had never met before.
• I had some help with laundry.
• Someone else decorated my house for Christmas this year.
• We had jewelry made for us in honor of our son.
• We had art given to us as remembrances.
• There were handmade gifts and crafts.  (Crocheted work, computer art, handmade Christmas decorations, painted works and more)
• We have had coffee dates and dinners out with friends.
• We have had financial donations for expenses.
• We received gifts on loss, candles, journals, memory boxes and other good resources.
• We have had many many text messages, Facebook comments, private inbox messages, and phone calls with good wishes, prayers, sweet thoughts, encouragement, love sent, virtual hugs and support.  It didn’t matter to us how long it has been since we talked to that person, or if we even had any kind of regular communication, we were grateful for each person who showed up for us on those days.
• We have had quite a few people share their stories with us.  This was helpful because when you go through something, satan would want you to believe that you are alone and the truth is you are not.  It was super helpful to hear from others who have gone through the loss of their children, and even if it brought in emotion and sadness for them or us, it was certainly being used for good in our life.
• During the few days after Toby’s death, I was able to openly talk to some about the death of their child and how they handled certain aspects.  You wouldn’t typically ask someone, “What did you decide to do with your child’s body?”, or “Where do you get an urn for an infant?,” or “Where do you keep your baby’s ashes?”.  Things I would have felt too uncomfortable even asking a good friend about because I also would not have known what to say, or how to communicate my heart to them.  These people have allowed their lives and their tragedies to be used with a sweet purpose in my unwanted circumstances.
• I have had some who have regularly checked in on me.  Just the simple text, “How are you doing today?”  They allow me to be real whether I’m good or having a hard day.  The check-ins matter.
• We have quite a few cards, all of which are still posted on my wall in the kitchen.
• We had a specialty dessert delivered to us.  (Which now will be our annual tradition to celebrate Toby’s birth. 🙂
• We had flowers sent us.  Those are also wonderful because you have the option to dry and keep them if you want, which is what I am doing.
• Books as gifts are wonderful, we did received a couple of them.  They were topical to our situation.
• People let us cry, let us share, talked with us and to us and have allowed us to grieve, laugh, remember, and be who we are.
• People gave of their time, their days, their hearts and their lives to be with us, and they continue to do so.

There was not a specific thing that was best, or most loved.  It has been all of it.  I can say, for the purpose of being realistic in ways that functionally helped us day to day, meals were pretty much a vital gift to us.  It is one thing to have just had a baby and want/need some help.  I have three other children so I do know, and every family would be blessed to have a little break to focus on your new little bundle, and to rest and heal.  But when some kind of tragedy, injury, or unplanned  circumstances impact your life it can be very difficult to take care of the usual life stuff.  There were days that I just wanted to sleep.  There have been days when all I could do was cry.  There were days that I didn’t feel like eating much so I wasn’t paying attention to the fact that there are three other people in my home and they still needed food. I didn’t go out, I didn’t shop, I would not have had ingredients and I surely couldn’t do the type of meal planning or prepping as I am accustomed to.  We ate good meals, many days, because someone else did the work and helped.

Housekeeping was also a functionally helpful gift.  I had family coming to town, plus regular daily life living and it was heading towards the Christmas season.  I know for a fact I would not have cleaned my house by myself, and after, I could just rest in knowing that it was done, and it was something I didn’t have to think about and we could just “be” in our home.  I know what you are thinking.  “I could never let someone else clean my house!”  Get over yourself and just say yes and thank you.  They cleaned my toilets, my floors, my kitchen, my fridge.  No joke.  Just say yes and thank you.

Please remember that I am definitely not saying that one person should be responsible for ALL of these things.  If you think of the thought that it “takes a village to raise a child,” then you can also attribute that to the necessity of the village to be available to one another.  Each one has their role.

All in all, may we just use our lives for good.  Let’s not ignore the difficulties of the circumstances that other face, but let’s face them together.  Don’t hold back and don’t be afraid.  Your friendship, your love and your heart are needed by those around you.  I needed these things and I am grateful for each and every one of them.  Your loved will be blessed too.

(Link ups: #faithonfire)